How Many Deatheaters
by incywincyspider
Summary: Why is Ron cross-dressing as a maid? Why are Deatheaters having a tea party? Most of all who is Mr Huggsey? All will be answered inside. Ginny and Luna are captured by Deatheaters so Ron and Neville try to save them. Some OOCness.


I do not own Harry Potter. This came from a joke one of those silly how many ….. does it take to change a light bulb.

Aww, my head. It felt like a dragon sat on it. Groggily, I opened my eyes and tried to sit up.

"Oh good you're awake," I heard a voice say from my left.

"Luna why am I tied up?" I asked, noting that she wasn't. I didn't know whether to be flattered or not. Did they think I was a threat or did they just think Luna was a pushover?

"Um they did it, I think." she replied pointing at the two hulking figures in black cloaks. "It was them or the nargels." She continued absentmindedly. But I was paying more attention to the death eaters in the corner.

Luna continued talking, oblivious to the fact that my attention was firmly fixed on the death eaters. "This place needs redecorating. They don't even have Gurdyroot to keep away the Gulping Plimpies. And all this dust is bound to attract Wrackpurts – they love playing with it." She rambled.

The two death eaters turned around at this as if just noticing the prisoners.

"What are we going to do with 'em?" one said to the other from behind his mask.

"Don't know. Maybe we should kill 'em" the other replied. Oh crap this was not good.

"I don't know Crabbe. I think we should wait for Malfoy."

God these two were thick but no wonder they must have been Crabbe and Goyle's dads.

"Hm maybe. If we kill them before he gets back he'll punish us." Crabbe added.

"Remember what he did last time." Goyle shuddered at the thought.

"We wait till Malfoy gets here, then we kill them?" Crabbe asked eagerly.

"Yep" Goyle answered with an exited gleam in his eye.

"Did you know you have allu you can tell 'cause the curtains are worn and torn." Luna piped up, walking over to the curtains.

Everyone turned to look at her, puzzled. As if spurred on by the attention – she continued.

"Yes and your carpet shows definite signs of bogal infestation." she rambled. I almost laughed remembering the time she insisted I had eloko in my bag.

But Crabbe and Goyle looked slightly worried.

"What are allu and bogals?" Goyle asked cautiously.

"Allu are …" Luna began.

"Oh allu are vicious little creatures. They're likely to rip off your arms, legs or a couple of fingers _if_ you're lucky." I said, praying that my hunch was right. Luna looked at me confused and a little startled that I had cut her off.

But Crabbe and Goyle looked decidedly worried. Yes, score and thank god that they don't know anything about allu because that was the biggest load of shit ever.

"So how do we stop them?" asked Crabbe.

I winked at Luna and hoping that she got the picture. "Well… it will be tough, but doable. First you'll need to change the colour scheme."

"Colour scheme?" Crabbe and Goyle muttered, baffled.

"Oh yes and you'll need to hang lavender, thyme and hemlock." Luna said in such a serious voice I would have believed her if she hadn't winked back.

"Wha-haa?" Crabbe and Goyle grunted as if she had been speaking in Latin, but confounded as they were they swallowed every word. Damn they're thick this was going to be fun. But I'd hope we get rescued before Malfoy arrives because if not it's all over.

"Bloody hell Neville, you're reading it all wrong." Ron accused grumpily after walking around the town for an hour and not getting anywhere; he was getting sick of this.

"No I'm not." Neville snapped back, a look of deep concentration contorting on his face.

"Yes you are. I swear I've seen that red box before." Ron said sharply pointing at a nearby mail box. "You're bloody hopeless! If you could just read the damn map right we'd be there by now."

"You can do better?" Neville said shoving the map at Ron, a hurt look on his face.

"Look mate I'm sorry I was out of line. It's just…well, I'm worried about Ginny." Ron apologized sheepishly.

This rescue was not turning out as planed. It was meant to be simple, just follow the nice easy directions. What could go wrong? Plenty as it turns out, especially if you can't read a map. But just as things were looking desperate…

_You're beautiful. You're beautiful._

_You're beautiful. It's true._

Ron and Neville jumped as the phone that Hermione had secretly planted on Ron rang. Ron immediately started searching his pockets.

"Ah!" Ron cried as he pulled out the phone from his pocket. "Um what is it?" Ron asked, scratching his head.

"I don't know but would you please stop that noise." Neville cried, putting his hands over his ears. "Hey, I know, maybe it's one of those booms that Hermione was talking about?

"I think it is." Ron said pressing buttons at random.

"Ronald Weasley." Came a very cross voice from the phone.

"Ahhh! The boom knows my name!" Ron screeched, shoving the phone at Neville.

"Oh don't be silly Ron." Hermione's very amused voice scolded

"Her-her-hermione is that you? How did you get inside the boom?" Ron asked puzzled.

"Yes it's me and what on earth are you talking about? Oh well it doesn't matter, what is going on? Why aren't you there yet?" Hermione asked.

"Ah…ummm, we got lost." Ron admitted.

"How could you get lost? I wrote down step by step directions. I marked out the route on _the map_." Hermione exclaimed, exasperated.

"It's all this muggle stuff. It's doing my head in." Ron said. "That and Neville can't read a map…" he muttered as an after thought.

"Hey I can to read maps! It's just that this one doesn't have navWIZZ." Neville mumbled looking down at his feet.

"Ok I suppose I'll have to bail you out again." Hermione sighed but couldn't help but smile a little. "Where are you? What road are you on?" she asked getting down to business.

Meanwhile the tiny apartment Ginny and Luna were being kept in was going through a major redecoration. First the walls, carpet, roof and curtains all had to be turned bright yellow. Then every available surface had to be covered in lavender, sage and any other flowers or herb that popped into the girls' heads.

"This is hard work." Grunted Crabbe as he slumped onto the couch next to Goyle. Give them manual labor and they'll be going for hours. But a few simple spells or anything that requires thought – and they're stuffed in no time.

"Yes but it's this or be overrun by allu." I reminded them sensing their resolve fading. "Then again who needs arms or legs? We may have scared off the bogal but if we don't finish this last stage the duergur will move in instead. You don't want that as they're _even worse_ than the bogals; they cling to your back, sending shivers down your spine and making you itch all over.

"

"Yes and at night when you sleep they gouge out your eyes and eat them." Luna chimed in morbidly. "That and to this day _no one_ has worked out how to restore someone's eye sight after a duergur attack."

Crabbe and Goyle sprang up as if struck by a second wind. Wow there really is something to be said about psychological torture.

"Ok now you need to light candles and incense." Luna said very bossily.

"And you need to walk anticlockwise around the room canting _ah arm en idiurt_." I added very seriously, or at least I tried to sound serious.

Do you know how funny it is watching grown men dancing around in a flower covered room? This is just one of those things you _must_ see before you die. It was almost worth getting captured just to see this.

I don't know how Luna and I managed to control our laughter. Maybe it was the fact that if even one giggle escaped our lips we would be dead before you could blink. That or maybe it was because we had our fists shoved in our mouths.

"You can stop now." I sai,d pausing before continuing. "But I'm afraid you have very persistent allu and we have seen evidence of duergur. I think we need to resort to desperate measures. Isn't that right Luna?"

"Yes. Yes it is I think we have to use…" Luna shuddered with fear well I think it was actually silent laughter, but Crabbe and Goyle weren't to know and they began to look really worried, "fluffy pink bunnies."

"Oh no not the bunnies is it really that desperate?" I cried dramatically, playing along.

"Yes I think it might be the only way." Luna ominously declared.

"Wha' what are you going to do with the pink fluffy bunnies?" Crabbe asked his voice quivering with fear.

"We must perform one of the most feared one of the most dangerous rites known to man. I warn you normally no one in their right mind would proceed with out at least six trained wincha practitioners but due to the severity of the situation I will proceed. Luna it is as I fear we must perform a – a – a _tea party!_" I exclaimed forcing fear and revulsion into my voice.

Luna swayed and fell into my arms fainting in mock fear.

Half an hour and five houses later Ron and Neville arrived in front of a bright pink cottage.

"Are you sure this is the place?" Ron asked Hermione.

"Yes I'm sure!" Hermione snapped back.

"That's what you said the last five times." Ron said shuddering at the memory. Following Hermione's directions they walked around trying to find where Ginny and Luna were being held.

And on Hermione's instructions they had visited five different houses going up to the front door in disguises. They had dressed up as _everything_; from plumbers to girl scouts. Hermione had found the last one hilarious. But none of the houses had shown any sign of the two missing girls.

"Ok I may have made a few mistakes but this time I'm sure. Are you ready?" Hermione asked.

"Yes!" Ron and Neville replied in unison hanging up the phone and slipping behind someone's hedge to don the next disguise. This one wasn't too bad they were going for the classic pizza boy look. Half a minute and a very odd argument over colour later, they emerged carrying pizza boxes.

Walking up to the front door Ron rang the bell yelling out, "Papa's pizza. I got your pizza!"

An old woman answered the door looking confused while two young children raced around yelling, "Pizza, pizza we want pizza!"

"But I didn't order any pizza." The old lady replied scratching her head.

Thinking quickly Ron replied "It must have been those damn prank callers that's the _third time_ this week! Would you like the pizza anyway, it will just go to waste?"

"Well I suppose so. Thank you very much."

After the door closed Ron started to walk away "Damn, I'm going to kill Hermione." he muttered under his breath as he dialed the number. "It was the wrong house _again_." Ron said to Hermione, his frustration showing in his voice.

"Shit, I am _so_ sorry," Hermione apologized "just give me one more chance"

"You've had six chances Hermione, six! Six times we have walked up to a house in ridiculous clothes and six times we have failed. Six times _you_ have failed. We have wasted so much time that I don't even know if they'll be alive by the time we get there." Ron ended his voice cracking showing his fear and concern.

"Just once more please." Hermione pleaded putting as much feeling and emotion into the last word as possible.

"OK but …" Ron started.

"I know," Hermione interrupted him "walk two blocks north then take a right then walk three blocks take a left it'll be number 56c got that." Hermione instructed.

"Got it but just incase maybe you should walk us through it." Ron said. "Oh and Hermione?"

"You don't need to say it." Hermione brushed him off.

"More tea, Mr Huggsey?" Asked Crabbe in a high voice. Stifling a giggle I continued handing out fairy bread. It was so funny to see two death eaters playing with soft toys. Even funnier is the fact that they both seem to be getting right into it and having heaps of fun.

"Oh yes please and some cream if you don't mind." Goyle replied for Mr Huggsey just as a loud ping went off in the back ground.

"Goody that must be the biscuits. I'll just go grab them." Luna said brightly.

"Oh no, let _me_, what kind of a host would I be if I let my guest do all the work?" Goyle said with a chuckle, seeming to forget why Luna and I were really there, treating us like guests instead of prisoners.

In fact Crabbe had tried to offer to pay them a few times and in the end they just accepted the four galleons that were offered in thanks for getting rid of the imaginary monsters that were supposedly haunting their house.

"You need to be very careful taking things out of the oven don't you Mr. Huggsey?" He crooned to the teddy bear. "_Oh yes_." He replied to himself in his fake bear voice. "That's why we wear oven mitts, isn't it Mr Huggsey? We wouldn't want you to burn your _widdle paws_ would we?" Goyle continued as I almost gave away our cover by bursting into laughter and reminding them that we were prisoners _not_ hired guests.

Ron and Neville crept behind some bushes getting ready for what they hoped would be the last house.

Ron was muttering darkly as they got changed into the last outfit which was probably the most embarrassing, yet the inevitable, maid outfit (which Neville for some odd reason seemed to be _very_ comfortable in).

"Okay, here goes," Ron said taking a deep breath before stepping out onto the pavement looking for all the world like a perky red headed maid.

They slowly approached to the front door, getting ready to knock.

Meanwhile, inside Luna and I were in a bit of trouble. Things had been going really well, the tea party went _wonderfully_…in fact Crabbe and Goyle seemed to be having lots of fun. But when it was over we had run out of ideas and Crabbe and Goyle were finally starting to get suspicious, wondering why it was taking so long.

So we had to declare the apartment free of any creepy crawlies. That was when things got strange.

"So how much do we owe you? Four galleons, wasn't it? Crabbe asked.

"Um, yes thank you…" Luna replied. "…and we should really be getting on." She added, testing our luck.

"Oh yes by all means." He said pulling out the right money and herding us toward the door. Was this some kind of odd joke? Or were they really so dim as to have forgotten we were their prisoners?

We were almost at the door when …..

"Now where are these prisoners you called me out of a _very_ important meeting to see?" Malfoy bellowed from the other room.

Comprehension dawned on the two death eaters as they realized how much they had almost stuffed up.

That is how we are now with our backs to the wall and three wands pointed at us. When just a few minutes ago we were about to leave, _and_ four galleons richer than before.

Someone started knocking at the door just five metres away.

"Keep your wand pointed at them while I deal with this you stupid, idiotic imbeciles." Malfoy snapped.

Just then the door burst open, stunning spells and jinxes flying everywhere.

This distracted everyone, so while no one was paying attention to her, Luna jumped at Crabbe and wrestled his wand away from him. She then shot a jinx at Goyle, making him tap dance uncontrollably.

I almost burst out laughing but instead I grabbed Goyle's wand, turning to help Luna with Crabbe but she looked like she was holding her own just fine.

So I turned on Malfoy instead only to find him with his back turned, fighting off the intruders. Seeing such a good target I just couldn't resist – so I stunned him. I know dad is always saying attacking someone with their back turned is cowardly and wrong…but in _this_ case; I think he would approve.

Just as Malfoy fell over I found myself wrapped in a tight hug, unable to breathe. "Oh thank god you're okay, I think mum would have killed me if anything had happened to you…" said Ron, his voice dripping with worry.

"Grr, get off me. I can't breathe." I mumbled almost incoherently but he seemed to understand me, that or he didn't want to be caught hugging his little sister.

As Ron let go of me, my eyes were met by one of the strangest sights I had seen all day and I had seen some pretty wild things that day.

Such as to grown men drinking tea out of little cups and talking to soft toys…

Neville was sitting on the ground in a maid outfit which had a steadily growing blood stain from where Malfoy must have hurt him…with a very worried but happy looking Luna sitting next to him with her arms wrapped firmly around his neck.

Turning to Ron to comment I saw he was wearing a matching maid outfit and I just couldn't hold back my laughter anymore.

That is how some ministry wizards found us a few minutes later. Neville and Luna sitting on the ground looking very couple-y as Luna fussed over a very embarrassed but happy looking Neville's wounds.

While I rolled around on the ground laughing hysterically and Ron stood in the corner muttering darkly about _no thanks_ or _respect_.

Hi. Ok well I would like to thank my lovely beta Amy, my little brother for reading this over and telling me it doesn't suck. Also my friend Aubrey for being the one who inspired me to write this and for just supporting (eg saying it doesn't suck) me as long distance as it was. Also thank you for reading and hopefully reviewing (hint hint). Well I hope you liked it and by the way when Ron says I think it is a boom he means bomb.


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